Good day, everyone, and welcome to the show.
In this episode of Writing Evolution (viva la revolucion!) of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God, as we are about to wrap up the “Space Visitor” story arc.
Here, we are introduced to Kronam, a Super Mutant Barbarian. Yes, yes he is the Wasteland incarnation of the one, the only, Conan. What can I say? I’m a sucker for classics, and I felt that a Super Mutant as Conan would be intense. Thus, he was implemented.
We also have Commander Cirk aka Number Two get kidnapped. The ending, though of this entry is humorous as balls to me. Why? Because, imagine Data from Star Trek just reading something that’s life threatening and potentially hazardous to the rest of the crew, or a friend’s life is in danger. . .and him going “Nope. Nope. Nope.”
You also have the mentioning of 88 MPH. Yeah, that’s right. We are going there. We went there. It is in there. Prego.
All in all, this arc was one of my favorites and it is this gap, that really makes this series the fun it is and represents. The entries are now just a story being told. The Maker is known and present, the 4th Wall is realized, broken, and turned into a window. . .or revolving door.
There are more fun (and fast) times at DWBG, folks. More tomorrow.
Until then, stay frosty.
The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God
Season One: Episode Twenty-One
[Heavy Reaching and Heavy Handling]
As Super Mutants poured out onto the streets, the destructive trio. . .became excited. . .mostly Ben though.
“Do—do we need to see about getting you fixed or something, Ben?” The Mighty Bear God inquired.
“What? I’m just happy to destroy things. Is that wrong of me?” Ben replied.
“No, it’s just. . .a little worrisome,” replied The Bear God.
Rubricon cleared his throat loud and obnoxiously. “Look, I know you’re both joined at the hip, and love to touch each other at night, but we have an ever growing problem here. . .”
The Bear God and Crab Lord looked at him. “You’re just jealous, Fluff Bunny.”
Rubricon rolled his eyes, “Whatever.”
The Mutants, Synths and the Hybrids finally stopped coming out. The trio was completely surrounded. Had they been anything but normal, they surely would be done for. . .so they should be thankful for that, and thankful that they weren’t being wiped off the face of the earth.
The Mighty Bear God rolled his eyes.
Thunderous footsteps could be heard, fast approaching them—the ground trembling each step. The brutes made way for their monstrous leader.
He was heavily armed with a massive broadsword, a Gatling gun, and adorned with a metal loincloth around his waist. He had mechanical attachments and appendages all over his person. Wires and metal fused parts together all over his body. He mostly resembled machine more than Mutant. All you could see that was natural. . .maybe. . .was the red in his eyes, and the drool that ran down his chin. He spoke almost as loud as he did in person than he did over the P.A. system.
“You fools thought you had killed us all? You dumb. DUMB! Just like humans, all dumb, no skill.” Saliva spewed with each spoken word.
He laughed, loud and obnoxious, which resulted in his surrounding allies laughing hysterically. . .with their derpy laugh, and stupid grin.
“So you’re the big guy who was running his mouth, huh?” The Mighty Bear God asked.
“I am Kronam, Mutant Barbarian! You’ve trespassed on my turf—my kingdom—and slew my people. . .and your sentence. . .IS DEATH!”
Rubricon made a few hand gestures to the Mutant King. “Well, we are the Three Huevos, and we’ve come to drop our nuts on your face. Hoo!” Rubricon mocked and finished with a grand hip thrust.
“You’re derpy, all derpy! You will all die now!” Kronam roared.
On his mark, Kronam ordered the packs of Mutants, Synths, and Hybrids to attack the trio.
Meanwhile, the space crew continued to observe the spectacle from afar. The space captain wagered joining the fight with the three heroes. . .and since several of his crew were growing restless; his ‘Number Two’ in particular.
“I am. . .so. . .booooooooooored,” whined the Number Two.
“Commander, I disagree with the leading of an assault that could easily annihilate us, and is already in favorable odds in the hands of those three. If we fight, we will surely die,” Zeta stated.
The Captain raised his hands in attempts to quell his personnel. “Patience, everyone. I am sure once this battle is over, we can start a way of getting back to our timeline, and to the ship. Any theories, Zeta?”
“Only if we were to perhaps scrap some of these old vehicles, and make a modified version. We could then equip it with some thrusters, and use it to get back to our future.” Zeta responded.
“Speed needed,” asked the Captain.
“In this timeline. . .I calculate approximately 88 MPH.” Zeta replied.
“OH COME ON!” yelled the Bear God from afar. “You fucking suck! Suck, suck, suck, suck, suuuuuuuuuuck!”
“Shut up! I can do whatever I want,” The Maker’s voice boomed overhead.
Everyone looked up to the sky, while the Bear God spat and pissed on the ground.
“Do you want to die for real? Permanently? Then shut up, and stop being a little bitch,” The Maker stated.
A loud sigh and mumbling could be heard as The Maker seemed to have. . .gone away.
“Dick,” The Bear God mumbled, as he stepped on a Hybrid’s head, causing it to burst into an oily and bloody mess.
While all eyes were on the fight, and The Bear God’s disgust, there was a brief commotion by the space crew. They all looked upon Number Two, who was ready for some action.
Number Two looked at his crewmates. “Maybe we could blow the area up underneath them all. We could use the old reactor, or whatever it is that’s powering them all.”
“That was probably the only time you said something without pausing. I. . .am scared.” One of the crewmembers remarked.
“I. . .am. . .sorry. I was. . .just so. . .excited,” Number Two replied.
“Whew. I thought we were losing you for a second there. Anyway, excellent idea Number Two. Make it so.” Said the Captain.
Number Two and Zeta left to head for the underground reactor that powered the Hyrbrids. . .supposedly. Meanwhile, the trio danced a destructive dance, destroying significant amounts of Hybrids.
Moments later, a countdown could be heard, and many of the Hybrids, Mutants, and Synths started to panic.
“Fools! Who didn’t guard the reactor?!” Kronam yelled.
“You told us all to come out and kill these, fools, as you said,” A Super Mutant replied.
“Argh! Derpy! Derpy, derpy, derpy, derpy!” Kronam stammered, stomping his foot as the countdown neared zero. “Derpy, derpy, derpy—“
The square ignited into an inferno and then sank down into the ground, causing most of the Hybrids to fall in, explode, or be powered down. The Bear God and the others watched on nearby, with Ben having a sad expression [?] on his face.
“But. . .I wanted to kill more. . .”
“Me too, Ben, me too,” Sin sighed.
Meanwhile, at the space crew camp, Zeta returned. . .alone. . .and slightly sad.
“Where’s Number Two, Zeta?” The Captain asked.
“Dead, I’m afraid,” Zeta replied.
“How,” the Captain inquired.
“He said something about “I have to do this. It will be my greatest achievement. . .and they will all remember my bravery, and they shall posthumously promote me to captain,” and then he blew up in the reactor.” Zeta recalled the events.
The Captain listened intently, and then replied, “I see. Well, he was an OK soldier. I doubt the academy will do so. . .but I’ll write a hell of a report. For now, let’s get the hell out of here, build our replacement ship [to get back to the ship]. . .make it so.”
“Yes, Captain,” Zeta replied.
As Zeta readied to leave and begin construction on the machine, he came across Number Two’s communicator. He played the message it contained.
“Zeta. . .I have been. . .captured. I don’t. . .know how. . .don’t know where. It’s too. . .dark. They are probing me. I kind of. . .liked it. . .at first. . .but now there’s bleeding. . .and it hurts when I pee. Tell the Captain. . .they’ve sent a Synth imposter. . .of me, Commander Cirk.”
Zeta crushed the communicator in his hand. “Yeah, fuck that shit.”