So, as I stated in my prior post about doing an actual voice work bit with The Wasteland Bear God, I went ahead and sat down at my workstation of global domination and handheld pleasure center.
I went through a few takes and eventually settled on a version that seemed fitting. Below the recording, you can read a transcript that was originally written. I strayed from it slightly in some parts, and corrected the Bear God since he addresses The Maker as a mortal—and that is simply not true. OK, it kind of is but that’s beside the point.
Anyway, check out the clip. On the very bottom are some outtakes and whatnot, with one impersonation of Ed Atlin.
We will also continue with another post later on Tuesday (today, yay) with our delving deep into the bowels of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God writing style, dialogue, and so on.
And yes, I was sober when I originally wrote the transcript in 2015. Come at me. The reason why it is called “How to Fall in Love. . .” is because it is a common blog topic, along with “10 Things People do in the Bedroom,” and the sort. So, it’s me playing it to my madness. . .with sass and hot sauce.
Anyway. . .
Until next time!
How to Fall in Love With The Wasteland Bear God
With Special Guests The Maker and The Wasteland Bear God
Below is a loosely transcribed print version of the dialogue.
“This little ditty is about, and rightfully so titled, How to Fall in Love With The Wasteland Bear God. Really, it’s quite simple. I should know since I created him after all.”
“Do we really, really have to recall this nonsense again?”
“Not right now, because that’d be derailing the matter.”
“Derailing? I’ll rail your ass—”
“ANYWAY, as I was saying. . .it’s quite easy to fall in love with The Wasteland Bear God. All you have to do is commit yourself to him, commit some sin, and [with consent] join an orgy. . .or if you can’t do that—a LAN party. Just be sure to bring with you a case of beer, assorted snacks, and you know, pitch in for pizza [not necessarily in that order].”
“Now, when I get into beer, I am talking about some good stuff. Not this. . .PBR (Pabst Blue Ribbon) bullshit.”
“I concur with this statement, mortal.”
“Yes, as you should. You want to bring tasteful brews, some IPAs are OK, though most are a no go and will be the fast track of getting your head removed from your shoulders, and your body left for undead fornication.”
“I do love a thorough. . .examination. . .of a recently vandalized body.”
(Facepalms) “. . .Right. . . Anyway, some prime choices are Franziskaner, Zombie Killer, Hoegaarden [or Garden of Hoes, miss ya, buddy—Chuck Star], Stella Artois, Veldensteiner—wheat beers, alright? Hefeweizen brewskies. Now, we’re cool with Dos Equis, Corona, Modelo, and Samuel Smith—have you even tried their Organic Strawberry or Chocolate Stout? Makes your balls tingle! Oh, and Lindemans’ Framboise. Yeah, that pretty good. I can go on, and on, and on, but we’re pressed for time. As for the IPAs. . .just, not that fucking damn hopped fucking up on fucking hops shit, and we’ll be good.”
“You’re making my mouth water. . .and my loins ache!”
“Yeah, yeah, keep your pants on—”
“I don’t wear any. . .”
“WELL, WHO’S FAULT IS THAT?!”
“Yours. . .you did not have me equip with any. . .”
“You’re such a fucking Nancy. . .”
“I will make you eat my ass!”
“And that about proves it. . .”
“I, uh. . .hmm. . .I see. Very well, I will yield to you, mortal. Continue.”
“Thank you! Now, where was I at? Ah—yes, the snacks, and pizza. It doesn’t really matter for snacks. Potato chips [crisps, whatever you wanna fucking call them], Chex Mix, pizza rolls, potato skins, mozzarella sticks, nachos. . .mmm. . .nachos.”
“I agree! We must have some!”
“Not tonight, it’s too late—sadly.”
“Tomorrow?” [whimpers pathetically]
“No, we have matters to tend to. Now, continuing with—”
“What about the next day then?” [whines]
“. . .No. . .Just wait until Friday or Saturday, like a good little Bear God. NOW, as I was saying. . .”
“I really, really, really want some fucking nachos, though. Beef or chicken. . .it matters not! I wants it—I wants it in my Godly tum tum!” [rubs Godly tum tum]
“JUST FUCKING WAIT UNTIL FRIDAY OR SATURDAY! WE DON’T EVEN KNOW IF WE’LL BE ABLE TO GO BECAUSE IT’S A FUCKING BUSY WEEK! For fuck’s sake. . .”
[Mighty Bear God hangs his head dejectedly]
[Sighs heavily] “Fine, we’ll see about making some at home or something.”
[Mighty Bear God claps excitedly] “Hell yeah!”
“Now then. . .snacks. Buffalo wings!”
“GIVE ME THE WINGS OF BUFFALO!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”
THE DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD!
They don’t care what’s on the pizza really. . .except anchovies, artichokes, and that’s about it. Pay up! Oh and don’t worry about the tip, because the driver will most certainly get the tip.
Outtakes and other dialogue samples
For Ed Atlin