Continuing with my reintroduction and assessment of The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God, I decided that I would do a speech.
Why did I find this enjoyable? Speeches are great because anything can happen. Sure, they’re scripted. Yeah, accidents happen. Of course, people can die. But what if you add in a magical, fictional deity that prides themselves in killing, pillaging, plundering the assholes of his victim’s, and who knows what else?
Well, you get this “speech.”
I decided to give in to my insane side and, yeah, it got crazy. I probably had a little too much fun with it.
So, here you go! Come back tomorrow for my next bit.
The Diary of The Wasteland Bear God
Season One: Episode Three
[The Bear God Does a Speech]
“Behold, mortals! In all my wondrous obese, slender, splendor, and pristine magical fur of destruction! Throw yourselves upon me! Lay at my feet! Stop that! It, ha ha, IT TICKLES!
[stomps on a worshiper accidentally]
Look what you’ve done! Look at what you’ve wrought! Now my new Nikes are fucking stained with your piss blood. What? We’re still recording? WELL, START OVER! AND I’M NOT FUCKING FAT! You, cuntwaffle.”
[Cameraman Dave snickers]
[Mighty Bear God takes off old-new Nikes and throws them at Cameraman Dave]
“Behold, mortals! Gaze in awe—at my wondrous, obese, slender, splendor, and magnificent hide! Watch as my foobs waddle to and fro, wiggle and jiggle with the fiery death of laser-lactose!
. . .
OK, seriously, who the fuck is writing this shit? TED? TED?! Fix this shit now! It’s absolute garbage! I am going to my trailer!”
[storms off, stomping]
“Are we done? Let me see it. . .
[receives new script and looks it over]
Yes, yes, this will do nicely.
“Behold, and tremble mortals! For I have come from the visages of time to unleash a new hell across this war-torn land and lay my seeds in the blood rich soil of mine enemies! Come. Join me! Join the true following; one that is righteous, pure, and ab-so-lutely asinine! What? It’s supposed to be awesome? Well, it says asinine, you ass! FIX IT!”
“Behold, and tremble mortals! For I have come through the visages of time to unleash a new hell across this war-torn land and lay my seeds in the blood rich soil of mine enemies! Come. Join me! Join the true following; one that is righteous, pure, and ab-so-lutely awesome! Let no beast, man, or sex robot come between you. . .and the divine righteous fury that is. THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD!
Join me. And together, you shall witness the smiting of a thousand smites with the righteous fury furry balls upon mine enemies chins!
For if you do not, well, that is another tale as old as t—What the hell, Steve!?
[looks at script, rereading numerous times]
You dared try to make a mockery of me, and add in Beauty and the Beast? WHO AM I THEN, STEVE!? AM I THE FUCKING BEAST?!”
[glares at Steve maniacally]
“N—no, your Lordship! You’re the beauty!”
“You’re damn right. . .
I am a fucking art piece!
Still. . .you done fucked up, Steve.
Mortals! Take him to my. . .trailer. I will have my way with him as punishment—er, to decide his fate.”
“No! No! Please! Your Lordship! My asshole! It—it can’t take it!”
[Steve is dragged away kicking and screaming, sobbing uncontrollably]
“I am done here. SCRIBE! Write something. . .beautiful.”
[nods] “Yes, your Holiness. Right away! It shall be your masterpiece.”
—Mighty Bear God, Inaugural Orgy 1:12