The Diary of the Wasteland Bear God: It Burns When I Pee

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Hordes of demons rained down from the skies. Streaks of green, red, orange…a kaleidoscope of destruction and death…it all sought to bring an end of what remained of the Wasteland.
Before the mighty Hellspawn, that was known as Diana—
“Diablo…you ass.”
Right…Diablo… Before the bitch that was about to get bent over and told to grab its ankles—
“Who the hell writes this stuff? I mean really! Trying to be droll and yet such a windbag.”
The Mighty Wasteland Bear God—
“Now I know who…”
With a swift punch to his jaw, the Bear God (not in his bear form), sent Diablo down to the ground.
“This seemingly may be a one-sided fight,” Diablo grunted as he got up. “I can dance too…”
Diablo snapped his fingers, “Enjoy your ‘fun time,’ Maker.”
[The Maker is dragged off for some epic sexy time, noted by the sound of a giggling woman.]
“Now then, it’s just us…runt,” Diablo snarled. “I hope you’re ready to die.”
Kronam, Ben, and Rubricon smashed through the troughs of demons that strived to circle them. Rubricon unleashed his magics upon the horde of demons, vaporizing most, while bits and pieces of others remained.
Rubricon fell to one knee. “This is draining my magic fast. I can’t say that I am surprised, though.”
“I can always take your essence and become stronger,” Ben grunted as he reduced a demon to a puddle of goo.
“What is it with you and wanting to take people’s essence and shit?” Rubricon grunted as he fired off a volley of frostbolts, fireballs, and other magic attacks.
Ben shrugged. “I get stronger with the essence I absorb.”
“Then why not absorb the demons’ essence?” Rubricon added.
“That’s actually not a bad idea,” Ben replied.
“Friends, today we shall feast on the blood of our enemies!” Kronam yelled as he charged into a horde of demons, swiftly cutting them down.
Ben allowed himself to be surrounded by a group of demons. “You’re going to make a marvelous snack,” one of the demon’s remarked.
“On the contrary…” Ben grinned wickedly, “it’s gonna be you that is my snack!”
Ben raised his crab claw in the air and began chanting a series of incantations. The lifeforce of all the demons that surrounded him left their bodies, their shells fell to the ground. Ben’s eyes glowed a grim green.
“I…need…more,” He panted.
Rubricon took note of this. “Ben, are you alright?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Rubricon sighed as he melted the face off a demon.
Dante swiftly went through the horde, cutting, slicing, shooting, and dismembering demons with ease. His sword glowed an eerie red aura with the more demons it cut down. He allowed himself to get surrounded and tapped into the sword’s power. The sword became a scythe, and with it, he spun wildly and dashed all over. He went from demon to demon in a blur, and just as effortlessly, killed them.
Sin, the Bear God, continuously dodged attacks from the mighty Diablo.
“Insignificant gnat! Stay still so I can swat you!” Diablo roared.
“Only if you say please.” Sin retaliated.
Diablo grinned, “Please, stay still…”
Sin stood in place as Diablo raised a massive fist. He smashed Sin into the ground and felt no movement.
“Poor little fleshling. You are no match for the Terror of Hell.” Diablo grinned malevolently.
Then Diablo felt an immense amount of pain and recoiled what remained of his hand. There, Sin stood with a few fingers of the monstrous red beast.
“You didn’t say with a cherry on top.” Sin grinned.
“You miserable wretch! I’ll kill you!” Diablo yelled.
“Listen, Diana, you can do yourself a favor…if you want to keep your pathetic life. Get your fat ass back in that portal, leave, and never think about coming back. If you do, I’ll just end your life outright.” Sin walked towards Diablo.
“It’s Diablo…and no, I’ll never bow or acknowledge to the likes of you!” The red monster bellowed.
“OK then, if you won’t then I will just have to show you a magic trick.” Sin remarked.
In a flash, Sin dashed and picked up Diablo. He flew up towards where a portal was opened, and demons were pouring out of. He shoved Diablo through the portal head first. Then he began punching Diablo in the ass, while using the last few demons that popped out to shove up his red ass. Then he forcibly pushed Diablo through the portal, where it closed behind him.
“I will kill you and everyone you love!” Diablo yelled as the portal closed.
The other portals all closed and demons stopped raining in. Beneath him, Ben kept siphoning more and more demons, while glowing more and more demonic. Sin raised his hands. A light blue light filled his eyes and hands. Arcane sigils circled him, mimicking the different patterns of the moon. Energy built up and then in a flash all the demons were eradicated by the light.
“We did it,” Rubricon sighed.
Kronam nodded, bathed in the blood of his enemies.
Ben twitched and muttered to himself incoherently.
“Ben…are you OK?” Rubricon asked.
Sin approached Dante, giving him a pat on the back. “Nice form, kiddo.”
Dante smirked.
Sin looked over towards the others and noticed how Ben was spiraling out of control.
“Out of the frying pan and into the fire.” He sighed.


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