[Holotape Two — Scribe Tartan recording]
“Before The Mighty Bear God, stood the mighty Rubricon. He was about four feet tall, with silver fur—soft, like silk, and radiant, like a newly polished piece of silver [spoon, silver spoon, OK?]. His eyes were bright blue, big, wide-eyed. He ears were straight up, and pointy—a tip was rigid, part of it was missing. He wore a singed brown leather duster, that was garnished with a makeshift necklace of teeth—the teeth of all those he had slain in his years of existence. He seemed to have a thing for leather. . .and black: leather pants, leather belt, leather boots, leather skullcap, leather chest—possibly a brazier [snickers] He was a freaking rabbit humanoid.”
“Go ahead. Ask him if he’s the Easter Bunny. . .or if he lays eggs.”
[Fact: Rabbits do not lay eggs.]
“Alright. So how do you want to go about this: RTS, all out, Final Fantasy, a dance-off, or what?” The Mighty Bear God aka Sin, inquired.
“We will settle this the. . .old way.” Rubricon grinned behind his buckteeth.
“What, WPvP? Really? You wanna do that?” Sin cocked his head slightly.
“Yes, and when you die, I will laugh uncontrollably, and plant my flag up your ass!” Rubricon’s eyes seemed to get lost in the fantasy. “I will not spit to lube it up either,” he continued with his stupid grin.
“Alright, it’s your funeral, bub. Just don’t go crying, claiming ‘HAX!’ or whatever.” Sin rolled his massive shoulders. “By the way, you’re going to be a skid mark,” he grinned maniacally.
“The adversaries of old and the Heroes of The Wasteland wagered their attacks before betting and going all in. They calculated each other’s weaknesses, their strengths—strategizing.?
“Of course, our faith is in our beloved Mighty Bear God, because he is a beast—a sexy beast.”
[There’s also the plot armor he’s wearing, but don’t tell that to Rubricon.]
“So, which of us should make the first move?” Sin yawned sleepily.
“If that is an invitation, then I suppose. . .” In a silver flash, Rubricon sprang forth—dashing for the Mighty Bear God’s throat with his rusty spear, “I WILL,” he bellowed.
[For what it’s worth, it’s a short spear. Like really short. Probably like four feet or so. He probably also has a small penis.]
The Mighty Bear God continued to yawn, unimpressed with his foe’s display of prowess. “Yeah, OK. I hate to break it to you, Rubi, but that’s pretty lame.” With a paw outstretched, he grabbed hold of the spear, and shook it like a baby rattle, bouncing Rubricon’s head off the ground.
Rubricon grunted as his head came into contact with the solid ground, rocks, and debris. “Y—you, bastard!”
“Yeah, yeah, tell me something I don’t know.” Sin remarked, again yawning.
“I will destroy you!” Rubricon let go of his spear, being flung up in the air. He tore his coat off and tossed it to the ground. He hunched over and groaned aloud as if constipated. . .or had to take a really big shit. Sparks of pure energy arced all over his rabbit-person. His eyes started to glow verdant. His hair started to go yellow. “Argh! ARRRRRGH!”
The Mighty Bear God yawned. “If I had known it was going to be this kind of a way we were gonna do this, I would’ve just walked away. Seriously, Rubri. Just. Give. It. Up.”
Rubricon—having finished his transformation—turned his raging gaze to The Wasteland Bear God, Sin.
[His person doubled in size. . .OK. . .mass. The little shit was seriously ripped now. He probably took steroids.]
“I WILL KILL YOU,” his monstrous voice boomed.
The Mighty Wasteland Bear God raised his left paw. On his wrist, he activated his Pip-Boy 3000 MK IV. A tune started playing aloud. The Mighty Bear God cleared his throat. . .
“We’re no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I!” Such a harmonious tune escaped from the Bear God’s lips! He took a few steps towards his foe. “A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of.” With each step, the Bear God began to emanate such raw energy—such power! “You wouldn’t get this from any other guy. I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling. GOTTA MAKE YOU. . .UNDER. . .STAND!”
In a flash of white light, the Mighty Bear God glowed silver, with arcs of pure white energy that orbited him in an atomic fashion.
His flock all dropped to their knees [YEAH THEY DID!] and gave praise to their savior, lord, and master.
He looked up to where Rubricon hovered. Fear struck him, and The Mighty Bear God took note and decided to end this charade.
In an instant, he leaped into the air, appearing behind his nemesis. “Never gonna give you up,” he backhanded the rabbit-person to the ground. “Never gonna let you down,” he backhanded Rubri back high into the air. “Never gonna run around and desert you,” he kneed the rabbit man in the gut. “Never gonna make you cry,” he raised his mighty paws over his head—”never gonna say goodbye,” and with agility and prowess, brought his mighty gavel down, sending Rubricon to the ground—burning like a meteorite—through the atmosphere, and skidded on the earth’s surface.
The Mighty Bear God touched down on the ground and stared at the smoldering crater that gaped before him and his flock.
“Never gonna tell a lie. . .and hurt you.” With a heavy sigh, the energy dissipated, and he resumed to his normal mighty self.
Nothing stirred from the crater but dust, and the echoes of crumbling rock. The battle was over. He had won.
“Well, now that, that’s over with. . .what say you we go get some ice cream, minions?” The Mighty Bear God inquired to his cheering flock.
“Yes! That would be most lovely, your Lordship.”
[End Tape 2]
THE DIARY OF THE WASTELAND BEAR GOD IS AN ONGOING A.B.NORMAL PUBLISHING EXCLUSIVE STORY BY ROBERT J. S. T. MCCARTNEY. CHECK HERE FOR MORE POSTS!