“Resistance is futile. For when He arrives and graces His presence wherever He may be, there will be blood. For He is hungry for the sweet, sweet blood of His victims which may be anything and everything. No matter where you think you may be, never think you are safe, because you are not. Have pride, stand up, and take it to the face.” —Unknown Wanker, The Book of Pwnership 3:18
Infidels! By lasers, and nukes be purged! [Several lines are marked with “ha ha”]
My flock and I arrived at the Raider’s Lost Ark. I must say, it was quite the spectacle. It was a massive ark that sat atop three massive power lines. Huge walls of junk, steel, wood, rubber and skeletal body parts were erected. They seemed to stretch on for about eight feet. The only way in was through the front gate. I knew, however, that they’d be expecting a frontal assault, so we ventured around and we. . .well, I should say I. . .launched my assault from on high a hilltop nearby. I fired several rockets, missiles, and a few mini nukes; which obliterated their precious gate and leveled most of their walls. It would soon be time to stroll in and claim this. . .relic of a settlement.
Upon entry, there was brief resistance—on the ground anyways. Most were holed up in the ark. A siren kept going on, and on, and on about the strike, but eventually, I shut that whiny speaker box bitch up. The few that dared to attack me head on, were utterly obliterated with my Gatling laser guns. I must say, I am quite fond of these newfound toys. I mean, before I’d have to get close and maul people’s faces off. Now I can snipe, launch sneak attacks, lob grenades, and so much more! Ah. . .it’s like being stuck in a sex toy shop with all the holes you can stuff. . .and candy. . .lots and lots of candy.
One of my newest additions was my “Hydraulic Penis Death Ray Cannon of the Ultimate Death. . .”—patent pending. What it is, is a mounted cannon on my mecha suit, that just happens to be right where my ALMIGHTY bits are. All I have to do is stand upright, grab it firmly, and it extends about 13” out. There’s even a comfort grip handle! It makes such sweet, sweet music when it goes off. Hearing that “pew pew pew pew PEW” grow, and grow, and grow! I just—I just can’t help but moan from it. And with the rate of fire and ammo capacity, I think I—no, I definitely did—cream myself.
Mmm. . .oh. . .yes, that’s right. The Ark. Well, as I pressed on and penetrated deeper into the Raider’s front, I took note of a fair amount that readied a volley of missiles from up high. Ah, those silly knaves. Clearly they do not know who they are dealing with! I AM THE ALMIGHTY BEAR GOD! So, as they had launched their attack, I readied my counterattack and squeeeeezed the trigger, so tight. . .so. . .very tight. I showered the sky with my laser spray and hosed those missiles real good. A few made it through, striking a family of Brahmin—sad really—but at least there would be steak afterward.
I fired a few missiles and mini nukes of my own, but then I was thrown off by what event began to unfold. The Ark. . .lifted into the air! Flight! These assholes were able to fly in that massive shithole! They also had a defense matrix of their own which negated my attacks almost completely. I readied another attack, this time closer, and fired off another volley towards where their engine surely would be. A few more struck but that damn thing was still in the air.
Soon enough, it was fleeing from me. Those. . .infidels. . .were fleeing! FROM ME! *sigh*
They had distanced themselves a fair amount before Stickler took note of an incoming object. It whistled through the air, much like any projectile of death. He turned around to flee after warning us, only to be struck in the ass, the missile fins sticking out. It was clearly either luck. . .or a dud. Either way, I was down a significant amount of ammunition, and I had another dead follower.
Fair ye well, Stickler. Your loose asshole saved the flock. . .but not me. . .because I AM THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD!
I will have to track down that Ark. . .and when I find it because it will have to come down sometime. . .I will be ready. Ready to go balls deep.