“Oh, ye, those who are faithful to Him! For when He does return the Anti-Bear God shall rise from its hole, and make ready its campaign to feign and usurp control of the mortal realm. Only in sacred combat will there be a winner. For whomever stands unopposed, shall be victorious! Pray, mortals, pray! For the end comes, and with it, do they. . .” —The Prophet Cunnilingus Maximus, Orator Penetrator 1:30
I have heard tales that my nemesis, Zodiac, had finally emerged. Truth be told, I have no idea who the hell he. . .she. . .it. . .is. I have only heard tales. They are a trickster, silver tongued, and quite furry like myself. I have heard that they resemble a satyr, or a Minotaur, or a man in a black suit with interchangeable heads; alternating between a pig’s or rat’s.
I do believe though that there is nothing to fear, for I am The Great and Mighty Bear God, He who stands against the darkness, who is the beacon that shines in the night when hunger strikes, and Burger King (or Wendy’s) closes RIGHT when you fucking drive up, and you still have 15—15 fucking minutes until they close. I am the softest of soft, the hardest of hard, and the best in the sack! There is no foe that can topple me, for I am stacked!
As I write this, I am having the Ark tailed. Seeing as they managed to escape me last time. . .but I will not let that happen again. Oh no. I have something I have been saving for them.
You see, ages ago, I was able to shape-shift into a wondrous bird that could fly. Oh, how I would soar. . .and dive-bomb my prey, and shit on many heads. Ho ho, yes, it was lovely. However, as I was. . .restrained by the most derpy of reasons, I lost my ability to change shape. I was sad. For a long, long time did I weep. Then I took note that while I may not be able to regain my powers and go into other forms, my bear form became more powerful. My power level went well above 9,000, and I was still able to go Super Bear. So, needless to say, I became more boss. . .and I loved it. I grew accustomed to the change and I don’t think I’d really change it.
Now, with these new toys, and this power armor suit. . .I felt like I could truly obliterate the world! For if there ever was a reckoning, I was it! I mean, how cool is it to see a Super Bear, that’s already pretty sweet. . .but a Super Mecha Bear? THAT’S FREAKING NUTS! And all the lasers, nukes, Gatling guns. . .and now my latest addition. . .jet packs. I FUCKING HAVE JET PACKS! Ho ho ho! The Might Bear God can take flight once again! Yes—yes! I shall smite that Ark of filth out of the clear blue fucking sky and sent it hurling to the ground, where it can burn properly with the Wasteland’s denizens.
So, I am now making preparations to assault the ship head on. I am most certain that they do not have any sort of radar, or aerial defense capabilities. However, I made a mistake the last time, so I will just strike from high above in the clouds. . .if any show up.
I am ready. Let the wind run through my fur once again! May the winds sing praise to the justice that is about to brought upon these Wasteland Raiders of the Lost Ark! May my roar boom from the heavens and may death and destruction rain down upon them. MAY THEY FEAR THE MIGHT BEAR GOD, FOR I AM THEIR END!
[The passage reports from a scribe that the Mighty Bear God took flight and began flying high. Once in position, he bellowed from the heavens and let loose a fiery hellacious assault that obliterated the Ark, causing it to crash into the very derelict earth.
Upon completion of his task, he made his way to return back to his flock, where from the Ark’s ruins was their laser gunfire that struck him, causing him to fall from the air and crash into the earth.
The remaining of the entry denotes a massive hole opening up beneath the Ark, swallowing it whole. A small entity emerged and laughed heinously at the Bear God. The scribe believed it to be a rabbit of some sorts.
The rest is indecipherable, and covered in sticky white stains.]