“Pitiful mortals, behold! He who is swift—with paw, tongue, and nuts. Let His quarry quiver in fear, like the babe who has reached the ultimate climax, and for over 30 minutes; may their eyes be cream stuffed, their assholes pucker, and their loins ache with antici. . .pation. Let them know pain [and pleasure] for when He goes. . .with His pole in hand .” -Kwikilax, Fishing Holes and Working Poles 36:61
I’ve come across a local fishing spot. It’s interesting, really. I have find it inhabited by some. . .interesting men and women. . .mostly the women that are the most interesting of interest. They continuously bait poles, and work assorted shafts that plunge into the water, hard. . .so hard.
MY LOINS! THEY SENSE TOMFOOLERY! They haven’t steered me wrong, ever. Not in ‘Nam. Not in Trannysluvanalia. And now. . .
I began my investigation, starting first with the several bushy bosoms of a few of these. . .civilians. Upon internal inspection, they were, in fact, Synthetic Humans. . .or “Synths” as they are dubbed. Some say that you can only tell the difference by applying psychological based questions, but I don’t have time for that! Where there is work to be done, there is pants drop. . .even if their loins resemble some fucked up cross between a warm. . .so. . .warm. . .
Huh? Ah, yes, water balloon! They resemble water balloons! Of course, sensing the false humans insides, I flicked my claws inside and sliced their loins wide open, spilling the mechanical beast, and one particularly popped like a water balloon. IT WAS GLORIOUS! Messy, and sticky, but. . .GLORIOUS! PRAISE BE UNTO ME! FOR THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD HAS CLEANSED THE WATER BALLOONS OF FALSE LOIN ACHES!
Naturally, those that weren’t Synths, and that had observed this undertaking taking place. Well, they soon started to turn on one another. Some threw themselves upon me, others twerked against my legs, and my loins. These. . .uncouth. . .freaky deaky master baiters. It seems I shall make a further example then!
After several episodes of gathering energy, and doing a dance-off of Annihilation, I finished off the fishing hole, with Travolta’s dance from Saturday Night Fever, and by using the summoned energy. . . and dropped it on the entire location. It’s now a crater!
GAZE, MORTALS, GAZE UPON THE DESTRUCTION BY THE MIGHTY BEAR GOD! LOOK UPON MINE AWESOME GLORY, AND MY RIGHTEOUS NUTS AS THEY SHAKE IN THE WIND. . .with victory!
Now that this area is cleansed, I fancy a shower. I shall have my minions cleanse me in the lake. Wait. Damn it! Very well, no matter. I shall have them cleanse me like a cat would cleanse itself. Yes. The matter is settled!
“You there, Jones! Stickler! Yugi! Simon! Tata! Tara! Tama! Shana! Come to me, my faithful minions! Cleanse me with your mouths, rid me of this Wasteland filth that dares to cling unto me! Make me fucking sparkle!”
[Jones, Stickler, Yugi, Tata, Tara, Tama, and Shana all obey, and begin working on cleansing the Mighty Bear God with their mouths. Simon is the only one who dares stand in defiance]
“Simon? Why do you stand there, and not commit to the greatest act to perform upon your Wasteland Bear God?”
“Lord, You are truly magnificent, there is no doubt. However, I do not believe in. . .orally cleansing your hide, when we could surely come across another body of water. We could even go to the ocean which is not that far away!”
[The Mighty Bear God thinks on this, his face forms a disapproving scowl]
“Simon, Simon, when I found you, you were but an obese tato, and corn loving nobody! Now you are apart of my flock, fed properly, and even carry my weight—despite my canine friend’s disapproval. Yet, you dare refuse a simple gesture? Do you know what is to happen now, Simon?”
[Simon drops to his knees and begins to beg]
“Your Lordship, I beg of you! Please, spare me. Do not kill me! I will do anything!”
[The Mighty Bear God laughs]
“And yet, you refuse to cleanse me. I am done with this. THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE!”
[The Mighty Bear God stands up and readies himself]
“I deem you unworthy, and to be cleansed! Stand up—stand up and take your punishment, nonbeliever!”
[Simon stands up and closes his eyes, bracing for his punishment]
“Behold! The Mighty Bear God delivers His judgment!”
[The Mighty Bear God delivers a massive blast from his loins, showering Simon in His spray, coating him completely]
“Now go clean yourself up, you filthy animal.”
[The Mighty Bear God sits back down and lets his minions start their cleansing again]
“T—thank you, Mighty Bear God, thank you for sparing me!”
[Simon bows numerous times, and slowly wanders off, occasionally slipping and falling on the ground]
[The Mighty Bear God’s loins ache, acting on instinct, he makes another call]
“My faithful canine companion. . .”
[He pets his canine friend lovingly with his paw]
“Be my herald, and dispense justice. Make the traitor pay! Do whatever you deem worthy of a punishment warranted for him.”
[The dog barks and bares his fangs in approval. The Mighty Bear God can sense a hint of joy from him]
[The dog runs off, tearing after Simon. Moments later, there are screams of agony heard. This lasts for a fair amount of time. Afterward, the dog returns, bloodied, and filthy]
“Good boy. Now, have a treat. . .and some peanut butter.”
[The Mighty Bear God pets the dog]
“Stickler! You missed a spot. . .around my asshole. Yes, give it the works.”
It seems Simon had a slight. . .accident.